Dealing with the recent sudden loss of a colleague who I had worked with for a
long time got me thinking about how we should cope with the unexpected loss of
people we care about. Is there any right way? Should grieving be limited to a
certain period of time, or should it be open-ended? Loss is something that we
can’t entirely avoid in life, but how we deal with it can do a lot to determine
how our future life unfolds.
I’ve read many books and seen many films over the years that address this
topic, and now that tragedy has hit close to home I have recalled many of the
themes and lessons in these works.
One of the best films I have seen about dealing with grief is
Rabbit Hole. A married couple, played by Nichole Kidman and Aaron Eckhart, are struggling
with the death of their only child and trying to keep things normal on the
surface. But as their marriage reaches an impasse and almost unravels, they find
the strength to deal with their death of their son, and manage to stay together
and move on.
There are also many books written by psychologists about loss. One of the best I
have read is
Grief Is a Journey: Finding Your Path through Loss
by Kenneth Doka. This book points out that grief is many times a lifelong
process, and doesn’t necessarily proceed in distinct stages towards a final
resolution. The best way to deal with sudden loss may not be to try and
eliminate grief, but to find ways to cope with it.
However, the books that have come to mind most strongly recently are the
memoirs of people who have lost loved ones, either suddenly or gradually.
One is
A Widow’s Story: A Memoir
by Joyce Carol Oates. The author unexpectedly became a window when her husband
died after a short illness. She describes how difficult it was to continue with
her daily life with reminders of her former married life all around her.
There is also
I’ll See You Again: A Memoir
by Jackie Hance, which relates a mother’s journey from suicidal depression to
moving forward with her life after her three daughters died suddenly in a car
accident. She was in despair for a long time, but eventually found a way to move
on with life and eventually had another child.
Some of the most moving stories, however, involve deaths that take place after a
long period of decline.
Swimming in a Sea of Death
by David Rieff, the son of Susan Sontag, describes in very honest detail the
course of her final illness, a very long journey of hope and despair. In the
end, the author finds he cannot come to the end of his grieving process. He
concludes that it will stay with him his entire life and he must simply learn to
live with it the best he can.
What all these books and films teach us is that each of us need to find a way
to live with grief and loss in our own way, and in our own time. There is no
timeline, sometimes no end, and there is no one right way. Each of us must
find our own way forward.
- by Michael, West Windsor Branch
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